Self Regulating - Emotional Outbursts and Other Conundrums

  

              

Have you ever been around someone who seems to be frustrated with life in general?  They get angry at the smallest issues that to others might illicit a big chuckle at themselves, with a self thought similar to “oh geez, can’t believe I did that, or that happened, or he/she said or did that!”  Instead, the angry person lashes out in a negative emotional outburst that instantly cause distress in the individual and to anyone within hearing or viewing distance.  The repercussions of such action or verbalization are an unwanted or unneeded distraction and inconvenience most individuals would rather not experience. 

I can speak directly for myself, and that it affects me from a mild to high degree, depending upon the event intensity.  The reason for various degrees is because it stems from numerous traumatic and abusive events in my life that has caused post traumatic stress syndrome effects and a more sensitive reactive emotional system.  However, in speaking with others, it is also just common sense that others do not want to be involved in someone else’s “drama” or “personal business”.  Besides, if another person’s anger at a situation is directed externally rather than internally, an innocent person becomes a target rather than a bystander.  Blaming can also occur without the toxic person taking responsibility for one’s actions.

My understanding of taking responsibility is being able to self regulate our own emotions so that we can monitor and react appropriately to all situations.  Self-regulation is defined by Daniel Goleman, author of What Makes a Leader as "the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the propensity to suspend judgment - think before acting."  He adds that the hallmarks of this regulation are "trustworthiness and integrity, comfort and ambiguity, and openness to change." That is to say, there are times that we will naturally be angry, sad, frustrated, elated, happy, etc.  However, there is a time and place for them all.  As the bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: New Living Translation (NLT)

A Time for Everything

¹ For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.

² A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

³ A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

⁴ A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

⁵ A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

⁶ A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

⁷ A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

⁸ A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

With that in mind, we also need to be aware of our environment and those in our presence and monitor our actions and reactions, “be in the moment”, not emotionally attack those who are truly blameless and “man up” or “woman up” as the adults we should be.  We should also teach our children from the time they are born to be respectful, loving, responsible little humans so that they will grow up to be healthy responsible adults who own up to their emotions, actions, reactions, and behaviors.  We should help them learn to regulate their emotions as their personalities are formed.  Hot tempered brats who bully, blame others, are callous, or even give hollow apologies need to be guided, directed and taught that behavior in that manner is not acceptable – period – as a child – and surely not in civil adult society. 

  

I have personally suffered through so many close relationships where I took the stand that I would suck up my own emotions of hurt, disdain, stress, nervousness, blame, mistrust, low self-esteem, low self-worth, thinking that part of the angry outburst could possibly be my fault, or just simply allowing it to continue because I didn’t want to argue about the incident to cause more emotional turmoil and “set off” the emotionally angry person any further. However, the graphic below also represents the strong and mature reason I don't argue with a person - they are just plain foolish!

I take a different approach now to conflict.  I value myself enough to protect myself from being emotionally invaded by someone else’s emotional vomiting, whether it is a small hiccup type spit or a full on gut wrenching stomach emptying of his or her negative emotions, most often inaccurately directed at me, rather than themselves.  My approach to someone's inappropriate anger varies, depending or their ability to communicate, I may:

·        Immediately remove myself from the toxic person’s presence to limit continued explosive outbursts

·        Remain in toxic person’s presence for a short time, if possible and if they have calmed down, and discuss the matter in an adult and calm manner

·        Remain in toxic person’s presence for specific time period (i.e. 5 minutes) to allow a sincere apology to occur (without me saying anything, especially prompting or asking for a response or apology)

·        Isolate myself to a peaceful place and decompress and calm down

·        Deep breathing to calm down, relax, and bring oxygen back to my body

·        Journalize, listen to music, do something enjoyable (art, Pinterest, craft)

·        Go for a pleasant drive alone

·        Visit a friend

·        Go for a swim

As I quickly approach another milestone adult birthday, I become wiser, practice lessons learned from the life university of “hard knocks”, years of counseling, wise family and friends influence, and strong Christian faith spiritual grounding.  I realize implementing many of these learned awakenings would have saved me many hardships and years of heartache and emotional pain.  Yet, I am also aware that the negative experiences have given me an opportunity to have strength and firsthand knowledge to help another woman navigate through their own life experience that may be challenging them.  I savor the positive experiences I’ve been grateful to have had and ask for God’s grace to show me ways to utilize the lessons learned through the not so positive ones.

Last thoughts. Take a deep cleansing breath and start the next moment again with a new perspective.  Thank you to our Lord Jesus Christ for his ever loving patience, compassion, guidance, and strength.  To God be the glory for his ever presence.  Last but not least, to the Holy Spirit for his prompting and reminders that help in keeping me grounded and focused on God's priorities in my life, not my own. 

Praying that you are blessed.

Jeannette